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Dog Property Rules

 

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If its broken, it's yours.


 A Dog's Dictionary


LEASH:

A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED:

any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL:

Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF:

A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE BIN:

A container which your neighbours put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and mouldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES:

Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS:

This is a malady which affects dogs when their persons want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER:

This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET:

This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS:

Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH:

This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN:

Every good dogs's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP:

The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

LOVE:

 Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. if you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

 

Dog Rules

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only

9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.        

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

 

Rescue Help Urgently Required

 

Please help! After two long years of being on a waiting list for an exotic rare breed dog, we were finally notified by the breeder that at long last, our number has come up, and...WE'RE HAVING A PUPPY!!

We must IMMEDIATELY get rid of our children now, because we just KNOW how time consuming our new little puppy is going to be. Since our puppy will be arriving on Monday, we MUST place the children in new homes this weekend!!

They are described as:

One male, white, blonde hair, blue eyes. Four years old. Excellent disposition. He doesn't bite. Name is Tommy. Temperament tested. Current on all shots. Tonsils removed and very healthy condition. Tommy eats everything, is very clean, house trained and gets along well with others. Does not run with scissors and with a little time and training, he will do well in a new home.

One female, strawberry blonde hair, green eyes. Three years old. Can be surly at times. Non-biter, thumb sucker. Her name is Mary. Temperament tested, but needs a little attitude adjusting occasionally. She is current on all shots, tonsils out, and is very healthy and happy (mostly). Gets along well with little boys, but does not like to share toys. She is house trained, and would do best in a one child household.

We really LOVE our children and want to do what is best for them. I hope you understand that ours is a UNIQUE situation, and we have a real emergency here! They MUST be placed by Sunday night at the latest.

I hear in Tennessee there are bins where you can leave off strays...does anyone know if there is something like that around here for children??

 
~unknown

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copywrite© 2007 Sharon Bartlett